Friday, June 12, 2009

Am I Alive?

This is the question that I had brought upon myself while I mindlessly drifted into a state of self-reflection. Seriously. What is life? How can you truly say that you really are living?

Is living mainly being able to think, move, speak, eat, or simply having the ability to maintain proper body functions? Right now I feel that I am dead. Yes, people see me and I am able to interact with other people but I still feel like I am dead.

I really feel burdened with so many thoughts and broken dreams. Although my family is doing ok and you can say that they are able to move on with their lives and there is a significant improvement in our lifestyle since we move here to Canada from the Philippines but I feel so left out.

I can't help but ask myself what the hell was I doing all the years that I was in the Philippines? I have sacrificed so many things when I was in the Philippines. I sacrificed my happiness that's for sure. While I was studying, I turned down friends on their proposals to go to outings and have fun, I turned down having romantic relationships because I felt that studying was more important, and I turned down so many things that I didn't realized that I was only turning myself down to have fun and be happy for once in my life.

I feel such a failure. For starters, I didn't expect to be turned down by University of Alberta and now I'm stuck for almost one year that I have been here in Canada working at Tim Hortons being humiliated and looked down upon. I know that some people may think that this is just my pride talking but I really feel like a complete failure.

If MacEwan College doesn't accept me into their nursing program this September I don't know what I will do. Right now I have been researching other related opportunities because I really don't want to work at a dead-end job. I am just 20 years old but I feel that I have been left out by my batch mates who now have great jobs and are now living their dreams.

I don't want to be a drama queen but this is how depressed I am right now. I just hope that things turn out better the following days.

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