I’m depressed right now. I’ve always been depressed. I feel that my life is a constant rerun. I really am bored, sick, and tired of my routines that are so monotonous. Sometimes, I just want to sit at one corner and don’t care anymore. Who cares about school or friends and family? Is this really what lies ahead for me? I feel so empty and I know and I feel that there is something out there that I need to be truly happy. I don’t want to do anything right now. I don’t want to think and I don’t want to move. I want to be like a rock so that I could not feel anything anymore. They say that this feeling is normal for teens because of all the hormones and changes that are occurring within me. It is also true that I have to find who I am. Everything is so confusing. I don’t understand myself right now. Sometimes I feel that I am already complete and that I don’t need anyone. I feel that I have everything planned out and that everything will be alright. But everything is not that easy. I want to jump of a cliff right now. I want to hide my self somewhere because I am not in the mood to be with anyone right now. My head is starting to hurt. I feel that I’m crazy, a madman. I can really relate to the anime, “Vision of Escaflawne.” I’m just like Hitomi. I just want to sleep and never wake up. When I am asleep I forget everything. I forget all the problems and pains that I have to go through every single day. I seem to vanish when I’m asleep and no one ever notices. But the question is do they even notice me when I’m awake? I feel that I wander and that I have no where to go. This must be the reason why I love taking walks in the evening. I’m not depressed when I’m alone because when I’m alone I don’t feel left out when I’m in a group. In fact, I prefer being alone because I can think more and reflect on things like I’m doing right now. But what am I longing? What do I need to make me whole? What is it that I look for? I don’t really understand.
A peek into the deranged mind of a 30-something guy as he lives his life as a Registered Nurse and as a Filipino-Canadian.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I really did not want to go to Manresa today for the community building and planning of the Loyola Group (FFP representatives). It’s a Monday and it’s not just any ordinary Monday, it’s a day that I can have a break from school. I really have no plans to do anything related to school today but I had to because I was chosen by my class to represent them. I could have easily declined but I felt that it was my responsibility and duty as a class officer to represent them. The assembly place was at 7:30 am at XU in front of Goldcrest so I had to wake up early because I went home to Bukidnon last Sunday. I was almost late and I was lucky to have caught up with the group when they were about to take a jeep to Manresa. But I did not regret coming a single bit because I really had fun. I think I even had an overdose of laughter when we were discussing our plans and projects because my group mates were really funny and some of them were clowns. We had fits of laughter when a group mate played with her words adding –ing to her words like outreaching, SM-ing, immersioning, and the likes. I met new and old friends and I learned a lot of things. I was reminded that IQ is not all that matters because EQ also plays a vital part. They were just crazy and their proposed programs were absurd yet interesting like moving into the Loyola House because we were the Loyola Group or just build ourselves our own Loyola House. What’s more fun during the whole activity was the eating part. The food was really good and I wanted to have second servings. Before going home, we went to SM and sang songs at Quantum and ate again. I could say that the activity was a great success and I can look forward to a more fun, more energetic, and more tiring activities and programs.
I am so happy because I can now update my blog, or online journal, regularly. Usually, I only blog when I have something that really bothers me or when I have a chance to write but now I have to write every day for my English journal which is a good thing. My address for my blog is http://vincentbautista.blogspot.com and it is powered by Blogger. Blogger was introduced to me during my third year in high school in my Christian Humanism class. My teacher created a blog for my class and we really enjoyed it. Now, some of my classmates and I, have our very own blogs. My high school classmates from third year to fourth year, the NerdZ, even have our very own blog, http://tataknerd.blogspot.com, aside from our Yahoo Group. Blogging has already been a very popular way of expressing ourselves. Friendster even has offered a blogging service signifying the growth of online journals or blogs. This is a very good news since it will help teens and people young at heart to develop their writing skills. Blogger even offers to store pictures in your blog so that you can share your special moments with people. There are a lot of things that you can add to your blog aside from your own posts. You can add a chat box, links to other blocks, and you can even customize your blog that is if you know how to encode an html document. I wanted to do all of these things just like what my friends did but I completely forgot my computer language and programming lessons and to think I only had them in fourth year, shame on me. If I have time I guess I can take a look at my computer book and encode my own blog. I have to be careful though because one wrong command or code could mean a ruined blog.
NSTP - CWTS AB (IMP)
I am so glad to know that my old NSTP section, the CWTS AB, was not dissolved or anything. CWTS AB is not like any other CWTS sections because our class focuses more on journalism and documentation since it is an Information Management Program (IMP). It feels good to be a special class because as our KKP Volunteer, Don Manuelo Patrimonio, said we are special children. Last Saturday was very exciting because speakers came to our class and gave us a workshop on how to conduct interviews and personal investigations and we were also taught some basics to Photo Journalism. The interview and investigation part was not anymore new to us but the workshop on Photo Journalism was intriguing. We learned that there are three main rules or points to know in order to determine a good photo from a bad one. The first rule was that a good photo always had the subject at the side and is not focused at the center of the photo. The reason for this was that if the subject was at the center, the photo would look plain and normal. A subject that is at the side is given more emphasis and is more attractive. We were given picture cut-outs from newspapers and the side rule was really applied. The second rule was that the subject should not look at the camera and shows action. This rule is really important because photo journalism focuses more on telling a story through a picture taken. There is noting interesting in a picture of a security guard who is facing the camera and is doing nothing. It is more interesting and more information is conveyed if the security guard is actually doing an action like checking bags for explosives and weapons. The last rule is that the photo taken should be at the right point of view and should not be blurred. It is by common sense that we know that we shouldn’t take a picture of someone at the back or at the top of his head. A blurry picture is also good for the trash bin because it is uninteresting and the art and story in it is hardly seen. I am really looking forward for my next IMP class.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Yeah! I finally have a chat box! :) I don't know how I did it but I do have one now! I'm not really good at making websites and all. I forgot na all the programming language I learned in 4th year. I'm such a bad student... buhuhu! Please do check out my chat box!
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Me and my stand on PDA
It is very disturbing when I see some students doing PDA or Public Display of Affection. I can bear to see people holding hands and all but what I saw was just disgusting. I really felt somehow offended to be an audience to such a display of such gross behavior that is so unbecoming of an Atenean. This really did not happen today but it just sprang out of my mind and I am clue less why this happened. I believe that it happened last Monday when I accompanied my friend and blockmate, Rhea, at PACT/S. I went to the fountain near the MBA Office and I waited in line. It so happened that there was this couple who was also in line. The girl was drinking and then the guy just grabbed the girls behind. I was the one who had this hysterical reaction which was a bit ironic for the girl just remained calm and just smiled at the guy. I froze for a moment and thought if they even realize that there was a minor behind them, and to think they were also minors. They were juniors I think. This event will really remind me not to engage in PDA if I am in a relationship, especially the type of PDA that I saw.
I just love coffee! I really believe that coffee is a student’s best friend! With out coffee I wouldn’t have survived high school and hopefully I will also survive college with coffee. Why do I believe that coffee should be my best friend? Well for one thing I usually study at 1 in the morning so I should have something that would keep me awake and that’s coffee. I really love this style of studying because it really suits me. If I studied other than that time, I am either tired or sleepy. So I sleep early and wake up early. And if I finished my assignments and my studying early then I go back to sleep if there is still time. Coffee I simply love you! And I think many people would agree with me if I say that coffee is a necessity. Have you seen the cafes and coffee shops that just mushroomed everywhere? It is said that coffee is the most drank beverage around the world! It’s great that coffee lovers are ensured of a steady supply of the heavenly concoction which is coffee.
Online Love Part 2
Online love is very intriguing. Can you really find love on the internet? Online love is when you join into a certain website or web community where you meet people who have the same likes and dislikes as you do. Another way is through online chatting. It may be only by chance that you will meet a person of your dreams but does that mean it’s destined? I only wonder, if finding love or friends on the internet doesn’t work, why do people continue to support this? Let’s take Friendster as a case in point. People always add you if you are physically attractive or if your profile captivates them, but do they even send you a message or anything? And to think they are called “friends” but they don’t even know the person and have no plans to either. The main reason of adding a person as a friend is for them to have friends who look good. I may be one of these suspects at times but this is how online life is. There are a lot of people and they have different reasons why they join in these so called online communities so if you want to find a person who is really interested in knowing you better just don’t keep your hopes up. Chances of meeting a person of your type are slim. Despite everything I said, I did find friends who I was able to really communicate with and express my feelings. Plus, it’s really easier to communicate with someone who you don’t really see face to face, that is if you’re an introvert like me. But I think the main thing that we have to look into is the thing called destiny or synonymously known as fate.
I hate dancing!
I really hate dancing! I am not inclined into dancing at all and I’m better off at singing. I really don’t like aerobics. It’s so frustrating because we have to perform aerobics but we don’t even have time to practice. AHSE is not really a course that conveniently offers free time for we go home every night at 6:15 pm or 6:50 pm. We can still practice but we don’t have any energy left. We have to go home and do our homeworks, read our notes, and sleep to have energy for the following day. Practicing at that late hour would be fine and it would even work if and only if I was with group members who are dedicated to aerobics and will willingly spend time to practice but the problem is I’m not with these kind of people. I’m doomed! I will fail and lose my scholarship because of PE. I hate PE too! I’m not really this active person who wants to run around and sweat. Well I do love to run around at times but I don’t want to do push-ups and I definitely hate playing basketball. I do try to like PE but I just don’t. Why is PE needed anyway and why is it important? I asked this question to my PE teacher and she answered that we have to have PE because it is already an integral part of education. But I wonder how essential it is to education, we only have it once a week and I’m not really becoming more fit to be honest. But why should I be so negative anyway? Why do have a lot of questions? The answer is I don’t know it’s just the way I am. But to tell you the truth, I would rather have biology the whole day than have PE for one hour.
Me and My Fantasy Worlds
I am really fixated into fantasy role-playing games and anime. I really want to live in a world that is different from our world now. I want to live in a place filled with wondrous things and I want to be someone who is strong and have special abilities that I can use to defend my kingdom or people. I want a world were I can really be free to do things that I want. There are times that I believe that there must be more to life than my life now so I just imagine things. In my world I have no limits because I am not just any ordinary mortal. In the real world, I am bombarded with so many problems that give me heartaches and headaches so I just want to forget them and just go to my world. That’s why I spend most of my time playing games because I tend to forget the world around me. I know that I shouldn’t do this in excess but it’s what makes me happy. I do have a social life but I find more fulfillment with my computer than with the people I usually hang out with I’m sorry to say. I am even afraid that I’ll grow up to be a serial killer because they said that most serial killers start with fantasies before they actually commit murder. But I doubt it that I’ll become a serial killer because I don’t have time to kill anyone. No I’m just fooling around. As long as my conscience is clean and I’m not hurting anyone I’ll still continue with my love for anime and computer games.
Sleeping More and Education
I really need to sleep more. I’m always tired and just want to sleep. It’s not that I’m lazy or anything but college life is really demanding. I’m not complaining because even high school was like this, hard and frustrating, but gladly I was able to survive. I think I’m already becoming an insomniac. There are times that I only sleep for two hours because either I have to study or I can’t sleep. I do have free times, Saturday night and the whole Sunday but it still is occupied with assignments and study periods. That means there really is no rest day for a student. Study, study, study is all I do but amazingly I don’t really get A’s. It’s frustrating really when I only get A-, B, or sometimes even lower marks when I really took time to study for that subject but that only means I have to study harder. I think I’m starting to become a nerd. Wait, I am already a nerd. I’m thankful that I only have to wait and bare all of this for 4 more years because after that I’m off to work. I really prefer the moving activities rather than sitting down and answering stuff. There is a flaw in my plan though. Do I still want to continue my studying and proceed to medicine after I graduate? That means 10 more years at most of studying! Ok, is it me or do I sound that I hate studying? Well my counselor did tell me that I rated the education part of my psychological exam very low so does that mean I hate school? Well I don’t really hate school it’s just that stress gets me sometimes. I am glad to be in school and I sometimes think of those people who want to go to school but can’t. I should really be thankful to be given a chance to receive education. But education is not really a thing to be given to a selected few because I believe that everyone has a right to education. Even if school is difficult and demands all my time and attention, I still love it for I know that with it I will become a more competent student. And I’m lucky that I’m not getting just any kind of education for I am given a chance to be formed by Jesuit education. Jesuit education will mold me holistically into a person with competence, conscience, and commitment, a true man for others.
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