Sunday, May 29, 2005

A Poem That Will Touch Every Soul

Last February 18 to 25 of 2005, my class the 4 – Richie Fernando were at the Jesuit Retreat House in Malaybalay City for obviously their retreat, our retreat rather. Here we knew our selves more and our classmates, our friends, more. Tears were shed, thanks and sorry were uttered, and letters from the people who loved us were read. One poem that I would never forget and had made an impact to me was of Ma’am Shals, the Jedi Knight. Ma’am Shals defender of the weak and upholder of the light, may the Force be with her!
Any way as I was saying, she gave us a poem or a chain of poems that really brought me to tears because it really reflected what I feel inside. Here is the said poem…

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.

And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong. And you really do have worth.

After ‘after a while’
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone’s lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.

After ‘after a while’
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but unlike a child, will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.

After ‘after a while’
You want someone’s sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold, and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live. Then you’ll see that there is such a thing as love… and that you were made to live in someone else’s garden… and you’ll know that there is more to life than your self.
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you’re meant to let go, you can.
And then you will understand that loves gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations.
And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions doesn’t mean your right.

You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses.
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning the meaning of lessons learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you’d be.

So armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world ahead on…
With or without an army behind you.
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor.
With more hearthbreaks you will cry. But after every hearthache you will rise.

The whole world will be your garden, and sometimes you need the weeds as much as the flowers. For it asks you to be patient and persevere. It knows your worth. It knows that you dare to love even those who are not lovable. So grow with the weeds, and care for them as you do the flowers. For life is a garden… it takes long to make it beautiful. But it’s always worth the wait… c”,)

The Stolen Voice

I really love singing. Ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamt of being a singer. Once I even made a “recording” with my favorite cousin, I wonder where she is right now. I believe that I can sing, some people think I am a good singer but sometimes I just think I am too ambitious to even be able to sing a note.
Singing for me is a good way to express my self. Music inspires me and strengthens me. It revives me and makes me believe in what seems impossible. My sadness, happiness, and mostly any feelings I may have. I do this mostly when I’m alone because my voice is always stolen from me when I want to speak. I am always held down when I want to stand up for my self. People underestimate me and even step on my rights. I want to fight but I just let it go because I know it’s useless. I always lose in the end.
There was one very depressing moment when my voice was really taken away from me. I remember it like it just happened yesterday and the wounds are still aching. It was one cold December and I was a sophomore back then. We were having this Christmas Carol competition and of course I was excited because I was ready to join in this competition and win it like last year. I was so full of spirit but was all sucked down the drain when I found out that I wasn’t included in the singers. I was crushed! Like what the? We didn’t even have an audition like last year with our other music teacher and she was able to pick the singers already? I then l realized that the audition was last times test, the National Anthem and School Hymn Singing Quiz. It so happened that I did not really sing that time. I thought that she was only testing if we knew the lyrics and what’s worse I had a partner who distracted me. She did not tell us that it was an audition!
Fine I should have always been in my performance level and always sang with my heart no matter how the song sounded (no offense to our National Anthem and School Hymn). I was sulking and I couldn’t stand a night with out thinking of the fact that I wasn’t going to sing. Was it because I suck? My other music teacher thought likewise and I had my third voice baritone pitch. But all of that was trash for her. Oh I loathed that second year music teacher of ours! I so hated her and I still do now. You know what added to my misery? There was this guy who was picked to sing but never really wanted to sing in the first place. He did not join in the practices and this really pissed me off! I wanted to give him a piece of my mind! I wanted to tell him how lucky he was and I should have had his place if he didn’t want to sing. I deserved that place!
I was placed as the flute player which “she” said in the later days was unnecessary. So I wasn’t able to sing and I wasn’t able to perform. My other unfortunate “musicians” were so gleeful and happy about the idea but not me. Oh no! I was a performer! The stage was my home I belonged there! But to my misery and beaten self, this wasn’t enough. We were forced to watch the contest which brought me so much pain. I cried and cried the whole concert. I didn’t care anymore what the people think. I felt so low so useless. I felt a part of my soul torn and burned to ashes. I remembered the nights that I sulked and sobbed. My classmates asked me what’s wrong and I gave them a lame excuse, I had to do research for our project and now I can’t do it. I swore that I would never sing especially in our school. But I love singing! And yup I never did have a chance to sing a solo. I really was sad during our graduation. The only thing that I wanted to do was to sing my soul out to everyone. Why did the other people who were worse singers than I was given the chance? Why was my voice stolen from me? All I wanted to do was sing. And in that graduation, now even, I realized that I had graduated with out fulfilling one of my goals, one of my dreams, to sing. I did perform on stage for our school play, Hatol ng Guhit na Bilog (The Caucasian Chalk Circle) but singing was different and I only had a small role (but they said there were no small roles, only small actors… like ouch!). My voice was stolen from me. Every now and then I still imagine my self singing on our stage. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess I was never born to sing.

Identity Crisis

I guess we do all have a picture in mind when we hear the word identity crisis. I guess all teens are faced with this question, well in my opinion though. Who are we and what are we? Why are we here? Where are we? What will we be in the future? Is there a future? What will happen next? Will everything be all right?
All these questions keep on barraging me and are making me insane. It then brings me to the question “What Do I Want”? Oh no! Is this a bad case of Down syndrome? Ok not really down but depression or post-depression even. Why am I depressed in the first place? Is it because I am faced with so many fears of the unknown? Can’t take this anymore, I give up!

Bench Model

You know what? I am a big fan of the Online Community we call Friendster! Yes I am and I love meeting new people and it really feels good if someone invites you to be his/her friend. It really is easy to meet these real people “virtually”. But I’m not going to talk about that.
I have noticed that every good looking guy or guys who think they’re good looking always address to themselves as the “Bench Models”. But hey I have to agree they do look like models and are of model quality but why Bench? Is Bench really the “In-Thing” of our Fashion Era? Well I am also a Bench fan and I love the “Love Ko Bench” shirt but why Bench? Why not a Penshoppe model or a Guess model? Why not model other line of products?
Wait a minute… Why am I always asking these questions? Why do I make a big hysteria of these things? Beats me I don’t understand myself either. Well just shouting out my ideas.

What Do I Want? What Do We Want?

Right now I am very confused. Before I had a clear view of my wants and the goals I wanted to achieve. But I am suddenly struck by the reality that I am in a void. I don’t know what I want in life anymore. Everything seems to be a monotonous re-run of what I call my life.
Before I had all of these things that I wanted and thought I wanted. Only to find out in the end that I never really wanted these and it would never really make me happy in the end. What would make me happy? What do I want? What do we all want in life?
I thought that getting what I want was easy. There are things that what ever I do, I will never get. There are things that I have sacrificed a lot for but seem pointless and worthless in the end.
I don’t know what I really want and really need. But don’t be fooled that what I mean is of things that this material world will offer. What I speak of is one that means more. I speak of the spiritual aspect of life, things that relates to the soul and true happiness. I don’t know. It all seems so blurry and all I can make of is snapshots of odd figures and signs.
What lies for me ahead? What is my destiny and what is my fate if all are pre-written? All is a chain of questions.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Using Cellphones and Social Status Issues

One time I was riding a pubic transportation when my phone rang. I received a text message and I replied. Again my phone rang and this continued up to three messages. All of a sudden this girl beside me said “samok ba!” This is a expression used in the Philippines to show extreme irritation. But I was shocked and felt attacked, which I really was. That time I just kept quite and minded my own business and then went down at my stop. If I wasn’t in my good mood she would receive a good bashing.
I was thinking why would she be irritated? I was practicing phone etiquette, my ring volume was not to the maximum level, I did not raise my phone to show off and in fact I was hiding it from view. It just happens that she was at my side and she saw it. And it comes to me is this jealousy? Does my Nokia 6260 threaten her? Does my Ryan Cabrera Shame on Me true tone a way of saying she’s cheap? If these things give off these expressions then I’m sorry. But since when is it wrong to use a phone that you really like and the tone that you like? I never heard of a Presidential Decree or a Republic Act stating so.
Does this mean that if she had an old phone with basic lcd and monophonic ring tones then I should get that type of phone too? Where is democracy in that? If she’s poor I have to be poor? If she suffers I have to suffer too? This is just the manifestation of Filipino Crab Mentality. When one crab is about to escape, the other crabs tend to pull it down. She has a serious problem and she really needs professional help.
I did not do anything wrong and if living a life of style and luxury was wrong then they should arrest every businessmen, every professionals, every working citizens who work so hard just to provide for their families and acquire certain items as their trophies of their life’s work. I don’t have a job yet yes but this phone is not in any way meant to say I’m rich and you’re poor. This phone has been a dream for me and it is also a gift from my mom for finishing high school. And believe me I worked so hard just to strive to achieve excellence and this phone is a sign of that. I am not guilty of anything because this is a free country and I can use and buy (in the future) anything may it be luxurious or not and I won’t feel guilty that other people might not be doing well as me. It’s not my fault that they are like that and maybe neither theirs. No one chooses to be poor right? But if they can’t eat three times a day, should I not eat three times a day too? Sure I’m willing to share my blessings, but I can’t give them what I don’t have and I can’t give them the things that I’ve worked for for my family.
If you’re saying that I shouldn’t have used my phone in public then I ask you what is the use of a portable telephone when you can’t avail of its convenience. Do you mean I have to go to the bathroom just to use my phone? Do I have to be ashamed to have a great phone? I am not stepping on anyone’s rights so I am free to do things I want.

Life as a Writer

I really look up to the great writers such as J.K. Rowling, J.R. Tolkien, and the other writers through out history. Writing is really hard! Very hard indeed! They’re so good to think of a plot and all and they can imagine different scenarios and you really are drawn into the story for its realism. I try to write stories but I can’t write a 1000 page novel or even a 50 page one. It’s really hard to sustain the story and to put twists and excitement to the branches that come from the main plot. I really admire writers their works are art. You know even writing an essay is quite hard, you have to plan the flow of ideas the topic and how to make it interesting. I really want to write but I lack the effort I guess and the inspiration. I do have a story I’m working on but it’s so bloody and full of hatred. I’m still thinking if I should post it. I’m going to work with it maybe improve it and we’ll see. Until next time, I the Writer have to resign.

Online Life a Bust

My online life is quite static right now. I do have internet connection but what’s the use? Our internet service provider (ISP) is useless, it does not provide internet because for a long time now their lines are up and running but they can’t figure why people can’t connect through the internet by dial-up. This is the provincial technology so we can’t expect much. Anyway I’m online right now, I had to travel 1 hour to the nearest city to use a computer, poor me.

Let’s Talk About Love

As the song goes by the Soul Siren, Nina, love does move in mysterious ways. What is love by the way? Is it mere attraction between the opposite sex, or in these days same sex? Is love merely an attraction because a study does prove that good looks really count. A good and fit body is attractive because this is a sign of good genes, and in our living world spreading good genes is everything. I guess your thinking this is a scientific essay or some sort but nope you’re wrong.
For a very close friend of mine which we will hide by the name “Jynx” love really works in mysterious ways. Love does great things for her. Love empowers her and it makes her strong to reach her dreams. She also said that Love makes her go through Sh*t (she said it herself) but she is willing to go through it because no matter how hard it is to keep a healthy love life it is fulfilling.
I guess Jynx’s case is true love. But what is true love? Is it the love we see on TV? Is there a case-type love in the first place? I believe that we are prone to these love-sick symptoms because of continuous exposure to soap operas and romantic teleseryes like Full House and Lovers in Paris. Their love seems so perfect right? Them against the world, nothing will stop their love but does this really happens in the real world? Do we love because we’re lonely? Do we love because we have to for our so-called reputations?
It has come to my senses that it has been a frequent topic in high school if you have a girlfriend or boyfriend? Honestly what’s up with this? Is it a social norm to get a BF or GF in high school and if you don’t you’re not normal? A parent (a father of course) of someone once asked me if I already had a girlfriend. I wanted to spit at his face, not really just exaggerating. I wanted to reply whether my mission and main goal in high school was to learn or to get my self a girlfriend. Well, he must be proud of his son who is really successful at this trade, he really has a lot of girls to choose from, and if he’s lucky he can finish fourth year high school as a side job.
Again back to my silly questions. Why do we love? Is it fate? Is it because we believe they’re our soul mates? But our soul mates, according to a term paper by a Nerd (my classmate), are usually of the same sex. But this is the future right? Same sex relationships are not new but what is normal anyway? Who can say that these are the norms? Are we so perfect that we can set up standards? This is really a debatable issue.
Why do we love and who do we love? Are we destined to someone or is it all up to chance? It’s really hard to define love don’t you think? When I was ten years old I defined love as the fast beating of our hearts when we ace the person we have a crush on. Now love for me is a complex mystery.
Or we could just forget about thinking and stick to my spread the genes theory, the attraction thing.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

Nokia S60 Themes, Apllications, and Games

I'm really a newbie at this stuff but I recommend 2 sites. www. and Spotok may require you to posts at their forums in order to download but it sure is worth the time.

Web Information: Reliable or Not?

I am a proud owner of a Nokia 6260. Hey it's a wonderful phone! I don't want to advertise or anything, you can go to and search for the specifications and the amazing capabilities of this phone. It kust bothers me that a site that I found said that it doesn't have radio, an MP3 player, and it's only has polyphonic tones. Well it's wrong! Totally wrong! I forgot the site and I don't want to destroy that site, I just want to say that the Nokia 6260 has every thing that I have mentioned. My warning to all, do not always beleive what a site might be advertising or implying! Make sure that the sight is reliable. The internet may not always be the source of right information if we don't know were to find this right information. It is recommended to go to trusted sites or sites were many have already tried and tested that site. Just a friendly reminder from the friendly me.
Here is my desktop. I'm sorry I have nothing important to do right now so I'm just posting this pic of my desktop. Hey I find my desktop beautiful!

Vincent rules!

Sunday, May 8, 2005

Out With Bureaucracy

I hate being sick. Right now I have fever... I don't want to go to our hospital, I don't know why but being in our hospital here in Bukidnon makes me feel worse. Imagine your sick already and then you have to wait in line, wait, and again wait... by the time I have to see the doctor, I might already have fainted! It really is tiring to go through too nuch bureaucracy! Even with enrollmet suring school, you have top pass through so much red tape and all. Why not just give the forms, pay, then leave. Wouldn't life be easier if things were organized but ofcourse not that organized that it would lead to red tape. I hate bureaucracy! You never get things!