Sunday, May 29, 2005

The Stolen Voice

I really love singing. Ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamt of being a singer. Once I even made a “recording” with my favorite cousin, I wonder where she is right now. I believe that I can sing, some people think I am a good singer but sometimes I just think I am too ambitious to even be able to sing a note.
Singing for me is a good way to express my self. Music inspires me and strengthens me. It revives me and makes me believe in what seems impossible. My sadness, happiness, and mostly any feelings I may have. I do this mostly when I’m alone because my voice is always stolen from me when I want to speak. I am always held down when I want to stand up for my self. People underestimate me and even step on my rights. I want to fight but I just let it go because I know it’s useless. I always lose in the end.
There was one very depressing moment when my voice was really taken away from me. I remember it like it just happened yesterday and the wounds are still aching. It was one cold December and I was a sophomore back then. We were having this Christmas Carol competition and of course I was excited because I was ready to join in this competition and win it like last year. I was so full of spirit but was all sucked down the drain when I found out that I wasn’t included in the singers. I was crushed! Like what the? We didn’t even have an audition like last year with our other music teacher and she was able to pick the singers already? I then l realized that the audition was last times test, the National Anthem and School Hymn Singing Quiz. It so happened that I did not really sing that time. I thought that she was only testing if we knew the lyrics and what’s worse I had a partner who distracted me. She did not tell us that it was an audition!
Fine I should have always been in my performance level and always sang with my heart no matter how the song sounded (no offense to our National Anthem and School Hymn). I was sulking and I couldn’t stand a night with out thinking of the fact that I wasn’t going to sing. Was it because I suck? My other music teacher thought likewise and I had my third voice baritone pitch. But all of that was trash for her. Oh I loathed that second year music teacher of ours! I so hated her and I still do now. You know what added to my misery? There was this guy who was picked to sing but never really wanted to sing in the first place. He did not join in the practices and this really pissed me off! I wanted to give him a piece of my mind! I wanted to tell him how lucky he was and I should have had his place if he didn’t want to sing. I deserved that place!
I was placed as the flute player which “she” said in the later days was unnecessary. So I wasn’t able to sing and I wasn’t able to perform. My other unfortunate “musicians” were so gleeful and happy about the idea but not me. Oh no! I was a performer! The stage was my home I belonged there! But to my misery and beaten self, this wasn’t enough. We were forced to watch the contest which brought me so much pain. I cried and cried the whole concert. I didn’t care anymore what the people think. I felt so low so useless. I felt a part of my soul torn and burned to ashes. I remembered the nights that I sulked and sobbed. My classmates asked me what’s wrong and I gave them a lame excuse, I had to do research for our project and now I can’t do it. I swore that I would never sing especially in our school. But I love singing! And yup I never did have a chance to sing a solo. I really was sad during our graduation. The only thing that I wanted to do was to sing my soul out to everyone. Why did the other people who were worse singers than I was given the chance? Why was my voice stolen from me? All I wanted to do was sing. And in that graduation, now even, I realized that I had graduated with out fulfilling one of my goals, one of my dreams, to sing. I did perform on stage for our school play, Hatol ng Guhit na Bilog (The Caucasian Chalk Circle) but singing was different and I only had a small role (but they said there were no small roles, only small actors… like ouch!). My voice was stolen from me. Every now and then I still imagine my self singing on our stage. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess I was never born to sing.
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