Am I Alive?

This is the question that I had brought upon myself while I mindlessly drifted into a state of self-reflection. Seriously. What is life? How can you truly say that you really are living?

Is living mainly being able to think, move, speak, eat, or simply having the ability to maintain proper body functions? Right now I feel that I am dead. Yes, people see me and I am able to interact with other people but I still feel like I am dead.

I really feel burdened with so many thoughts and broken dreams. Although my family is doing ok and you can say that they are able to move on with their lives and there is a significant improvement in our lifestyle since we move here to Canada from the Philippines but I feel so left out.

I can't help but ask myself what the hell was I doing all the years that I was in the Philippines? I have sacrificed so many things when I was in the Philippines. I sacrificed my happiness that's for sure. While I was studying, I turned down friends on their proposals to go to outings and have fun, I turned down having romantic relationships because I felt that studying was more important, and I turned down so many things that I didn't realized that I was only turning myself down to have fun and be happy for once in my life.

I feel such a failure. For starters, I didn't expect to be turned down by University of Alberta and now I'm stuck for almost one year that I have been here in Canada working at Tim Hortons being humiliated and looked down upon. I know that some people may think that this is just my pride talking but I really feel like a complete failure.

If MacEwan College doesn't accept me into their nursing program this September I don't know what I will do. Right now I have been researching other related opportunities because I really don't want to work at a dead-end job. I am just 20 years old but I feel that I have been left out by my batch mates who now have great jobs and are now living their dreams.

I don't want to be a drama queen but this is how depressed I am right now. I just hope that things turn out better the following days.

Shake and Bake!

You just have to love Canada! They always have something fun and unique just like the new Dr. Oetker Shaker!

I love baking and with the shaker mixes by Dr. Oetker, I can bake muffins, cupcakes, and even pancakes in a jiffy! It's so easy to make that even a little kid (with adult supervision of course) can make one. Just add milk or water, shake, shake, shake, pour into a baking mold and viola! Just put that yummy treat in the oven and just wait for it to cook and enjoy!

You don't have to be a pastry chef to be able to whip up amazing cupcakes or muffins for birthday parties and gatherings. It tastes so good that people will love it and it's so hard to resist the temptation to take all the glory and say you made it from scratch.

But for me I bake it for my midnight treat and I feel no guilt at all because the Shaker is 0 trans fat, a source of fibre, and Prebiotics! Give me any other muffin that is as healthy as that?

Boy, this post sure is making me hungry. So if you excuse me, I have some shaking to do in the kitchen!

Silence Is Sharper than Words

Do you know what pisses your enemies the worst? The fact that you can still smile after they tried so hard to piss you off! And this is exactly what I did a while ago!

I have posted an entry before about my haters and as I predicted they (like 8-9 old Filipino geezers) were right on schedule. I made sure I didn't do anything to offend them but I guess that they don't want me to speak in English to my customers who happens to be white... weird I know.

They feel that I try too hard to impress them with my English but to let them know that is how I speak English whether they are there or not. Does it really bother them that I speak English well? Seriously, just because I'm Filipino it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to develop an accent can I?

But I'm really happy with myself because I didn't react to whatever bullshit they were talking about me for the past 4 to 6 hours that they were staying at my place of work. Seriously, they waste too much time trying to piss me off so in return they were the one that got pissed because I didn't react to all their hard work.

So I learned that sometimes silence can cut through anyone's bullshit better than words. Because if you react to their taunts, it's just like adding fuel to their confidence in their ability to piss you off so it will never end. But if you just keep quiet, they feel neglected and hurt because they feel like talking to a wall... which by the way is a very stupid thing to do if you ask me.

So on with the silence strategy. There's no use in wasting time and energy to defend yourself when your obviously fighting against stupid childish obnoxious nobodies.

The Perfect Gift for Dad

Oh my gosh! Time really does fly so fast. I feel like it was only Mother's Day a few days ago and now Father's Day is fast approaching.

I better think fast of what I should give my dad for this Father's Day. Who am I kidding? I already know the perfect gift for him and my only problem is to choose which one is perfect from the line of Casio watches.

Yup! My dad and I are watch lovers! We share the interest in collecting different kinds of watches and we even share our watches. So it's like buying myself a watch too if you know what I mean.

I really like this Casio watch over here. It's scratch proof and it has features like auto calendar and daylight-saving time on/off which is perfect for us because we don't want a repeat of what happened to us last time when we were late for work because we forgot to change the time.

I just know that he, including myself, would love this watch. It's a perfect Father's Day gift indeed!

Family Reunion and My Pathetic Life

My life is so boring... I'm glad that at last there is something worth blogging about. Last Friday, my family and I went to West Edmonton Mall because my cousin (the daughter of my father's brother) was staying there at the Fantasy Hotel.

I think it has been years since I last saw her and I am so happy for her accomplishments. She's actually from Prince Albert in Saskatchewan and she works there as a nurse. I wish that I could also one day be like her and be able to practice the profession that I had studied and prepared for the last 3 years of my life... well before I came here to Canada that is.

I am so unhappy with my present job. I wish that I could have conquered my laziness and worked somewhere far where I could earn more and save my pride. Well there are 4 more months before I finally get to study (if ever I get admission) so quiting my job once again to look for another job is quite difficult...

Well quiting is actually easy but I don't want to give my manager another slap in the face after she took me in once again and she even gave me a raise twice! She gave me a raise when she gave me my job back and she gave me another raise when I was working again for 4 months... And I guess my job ain't that bad putting aside the harassment and ridicule that I have to put up with.

Anyway, I've noticed that my hair is extremely soft (completely out of topic!!!)! I'm just amazed because my hair is color treated so I was expecting it to be lifeless, but my hair actually looks healthier now. Weird.

Although getting a new house is already a great happening in my life, a personal change in my lifestyle (uhm... like being a student once again) is what I'm really dying for. I'll just hope for the best... once again...