Sunday, May 29, 2005

A Poem That Will Touch Every Soul

Last February 18 to 25 of 2005, my class the 4 – Richie Fernando were at the Jesuit Retreat House in Malaybalay City for obviously their retreat, our retreat rather. Here we knew our selves more and our classmates, our friends, more. Tears were shed, thanks and sorry were uttered, and letters from the people who loved us were read. One poem that I would never forget and had made an impact to me was of Ma’am Shals, the Jedi Knight. Ma’am Shals defender of the weak and upholder of the light, may the Force be with her!
Any way as I was saying, she gave us a poem or a chain of poems that really brought me to tears because it really reflected what I feel inside. Here is the said poem…

After a while, you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,
With the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child.

And you begin to build all your roads on today for tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to give you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong. And you really do have worth.

After ‘after a while’
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but to enjoy its company, and you want someone’s lips to kiss, not because you are lonely but because you are happy, and you want to give presents and you want to make promises.

After ‘after a while’
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult, but unlike a child, will want someone to listen and care, and you want someone who will build roads with you today so maybe you can pave the way for your future together.

After ‘after a while’
You want someone’s sunshine and warmth, but also accept the rain and the cold, and you want to give flowers picked from your own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect, you want it to be more than a picture even if it means having to be imperfect because you want someone in it to stay and to live. Then you’ll see that there is such a thing as love… and that you were made to live in someone else’s garden… and you’ll know that there is more to life than your self.
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold, if you’re meant to let go, you can.
And then you will understand that loves gives you reasons to understand even the most complicated situations.
And you will grow older believing that just because you have convictions doesn’t mean your right.

You will remember lips because of the smiles that made your day, the words that touched your soul, not only because of the sweet kisses.
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb the meaning the meaning of lessons learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person you never thought you’d be.

So armed with courage, strength and confidence, you will face the world ahead on…
With or without an army behind you.
Because you know your worth and that alone is an armor.
With more hearthbreaks you will cry. But after every hearthache you will rise.

The whole world will be your garden, and sometimes you need the weeds as much as the flowers. For it asks you to be patient and persevere. It knows your worth. It knows that you dare to love even those who are not lovable. So grow with the weeds, and care for them as you do the flowers. For life is a garden… it takes long to make it beautiful. But it’s always worth the wait… c”,)

The Stolen Voice

I really love singing. Ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamt of being a singer. Once I even made a “recording” with my favorite cousin, I wonder where she is right now. I believe that I can sing, some people think I am a good singer but sometimes I just think I am too ambitious to even be able to sing a note.
Singing for me is a good way to express my self. Music inspires me and strengthens me. It revives me and makes me believe in what seems impossible. My sadness, happiness, and mostly any feelings I may have. I do this mostly when I’m alone because my voice is always stolen from me when I want to speak. I am always held down when I want to stand up for my self. People underestimate me and even step on my rights. I want to fight but I just let it go because I know it’s useless. I always lose in the end.
There was one very depressing moment when my voice was really taken away from me. I remember it like it just happened yesterday and the wounds are still aching. It was one cold December and I was a sophomore back then. We were having this Christmas Carol competition and of course I was excited because I was ready to join in this competition and win it like last year. I was so full of spirit but was all sucked down the drain when I found out that I wasn’t included in the singers. I was crushed! Like what the? We didn’t even have an audition like last year with our other music teacher and she was able to pick the singers already? I then l realized that the audition was last times test, the National Anthem and School Hymn Singing Quiz. It so happened that I did not really sing that time. I thought that she was only testing if we knew the lyrics and what’s worse I had a partner who distracted me. She did not tell us that it was an audition!
Fine I should have always been in my performance level and always sang with my heart no matter how the song sounded (no offense to our National Anthem and School Hymn). I was sulking and I couldn’t stand a night with out thinking of the fact that I wasn’t going to sing. Was it because I suck? My other music teacher thought likewise and I had my third voice baritone pitch. But all of that was trash for her. Oh I loathed that second year music teacher of ours! I so hated her and I still do now. You know what added to my misery? There was this guy who was picked to sing but never really wanted to sing in the first place. He did not join in the practices and this really pissed me off! I wanted to give him a piece of my mind! I wanted to tell him how lucky he was and I should have had his place if he didn’t want to sing. I deserved that place!
I was placed as the flute player which “she” said in the later days was unnecessary. So I wasn’t able to sing and I wasn’t able to perform. My other unfortunate “musicians” were so gleeful and happy about the idea but not me. Oh no! I was a performer! The stage was my home I belonged there! But to my misery and beaten self, this wasn’t enough. We were forced to watch the contest which brought me so much pain. I cried and cried the whole concert. I didn’t care anymore what the people think. I felt so low so useless. I felt a part of my soul torn and burned to ashes. I remembered the nights that I sulked and sobbed. My classmates asked me what’s wrong and I gave them a lame excuse, I had to do research for our project and now I can’t do it. I swore that I would never sing especially in our school. But I love singing! And yup I never did have a chance to sing a solo. I really was sad during our graduation. The only thing that I wanted to do was to sing my soul out to everyone. Why did the other people who were worse singers than I was given the chance? Why was my voice stolen from me? All I wanted to do was sing. And in that graduation, now even, I realized that I had graduated with out fulfilling one of my goals, one of my dreams, to sing. I did perform on stage for our school play, Hatol ng Guhit na Bilog (The Caucasian Chalk Circle) but singing was different and I only had a small role (but they said there were no small roles, only small actors… like ouch!). My voice was stolen from me. Every now and then I still imagine my self singing on our stage. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess I was never born to sing.

Identity Crisis

I guess we do all have a picture in mind when we hear the word identity crisis. I guess all teens are faced with this question, well in my opinion though. Who are we and what are we? Why are we here? Where are we? What will we be in the future? Is there a future? What will happen next? Will everything be all right?
All these questions keep on barraging me and are making me insane. It then brings me to the question “What Do I Want”? Oh no! Is this a bad case of Down syndrome? Ok not really down but depression or post-depression even. Why am I depressed in the first place? Is it because I am faced with so many fears of the unknown? Can’t take this anymore, I give up!

Bench Model

You know what? I am a big fan of the Online Community we call Friendster! Yes I am and I love meeting new people and it really feels good if someone invites you to be his/her friend. It really is easy to meet these real people “virtually”. But I’m not going to talk about that.
I have noticed that every good looking guy or guys who think they’re good looking always address to themselves as the “Bench Models”. But hey I have to agree they do look like models and are of model quality but why Bench? Is Bench really the “In-Thing” of our Fashion Era? Well I am also a Bench fan and I love the “Love Ko Bench” shirt but why Bench? Why not a Penshoppe model or a Guess model? Why not model other line of products?
Wait a minute… Why am I always asking these questions? Why do I make a big hysteria of these things? Beats me I don’t understand myself either. Well just shouting out my ideas.

What Do I Want? What Do We Want?

Right now I am very confused. Before I had a clear view of my wants and the goals I wanted to achieve. But I am suddenly struck by the reality that I am in a void. I don’t know what I want in life anymore. Everything seems to be a monotonous re-run of what I call my life.
Before I had all of these things that I wanted and thought I wanted. Only to find out in the end that I never really wanted these and it would never really make me happy in the end. What would make me happy? What do I want? What do we all want in life?
I thought that getting what I want was easy. There are things that what ever I do, I will never get. There are things that I have sacrificed a lot for but seem pointless and worthless in the end.
I don’t know what I really want and really need. But don’t be fooled that what I mean is of things that this material world will offer. What I speak of is one that means more. I speak of the spiritual aspect of life, things that relates to the soul and true happiness. I don’t know. It all seems so blurry and all I can make of is snapshots of odd figures and signs.
What lies for me ahead? What is my destiny and what is my fate if all are pre-written? All is a chain of questions.