The Stolen Voice

I really love singing. Ever since I was a child I’ve always dreamt of being a singer. Once I even made a “recording” with my favorite cousin, I wonder where she is right now. I believe that I can sing, some people think I am a good singer but sometimes I just think I am too ambitious to even be able to sing a note.
Singing for me is a good way to express my self. Music inspires me and strengthens me. It revives me and makes me believe in what seems impossible. My sadness, happiness, and mostly any feelings I may have. I do this mostly when I’m alone because my voice is always stolen from me when I want to speak. I am always held down when I want to stand up for my self. People underestimate me and even step on my rights. I want to fight but I just let it go because I know it’s useless. I always lose in the end.
There was one very depressing moment when my voice was really taken away from me. I remember it like it just happened yesterday and the wounds are still aching. It was one cold December and I was a sophomore back then. We were having this Christmas Carol competition and of course I was excited because I was ready to join in this competition and win it like last year. I was so full of spirit but was all sucked down the drain when I found out that I wasn’t included in the singers. I was crushed! Like what the? We didn’t even have an audition like last year with our other music teacher and she was able to pick the singers already? I then l realized that the audition was last times test, the National Anthem and School Hymn Singing Quiz. It so happened that I did not really sing that time. I thought that she was only testing if we knew the lyrics and what’s worse I had a partner who distracted me. She did not tell us that it was an audition!
Fine I should have always been in my performance level and always sang with my heart no matter how the song sounded (no offense to our National Anthem and School Hymn). I was sulking and I couldn’t stand a night with out thinking of the fact that I wasn’t going to sing. Was it because I suck? My other music teacher thought likewise and I had my third voice baritone pitch. But all of that was trash for her. Oh I loathed that second year music teacher of ours! I so hated her and I still do now. You know what added to my misery? There was this guy who was picked to sing but never really wanted to sing in the first place. He did not join in the practices and this really pissed me off! I wanted to give him a piece of my mind! I wanted to tell him how lucky he was and I should have had his place if he didn’t want to sing. I deserved that place!
I was placed as the flute player which “she” said in the later days was unnecessary. So I wasn’t able to sing and I wasn’t able to perform. My other unfortunate “musicians” were so gleeful and happy about the idea but not me. Oh no! I was a performer! The stage was my home I belonged there! But to my misery and beaten self, this wasn’t enough. We were forced to watch the contest which brought me so much pain. I cried and cried the whole concert. I didn’t care anymore what the people think. I felt so low so useless. I felt a part of my soul torn and burned to ashes. I remembered the nights that I sulked and sobbed. My classmates asked me what’s wrong and I gave them a lame excuse, I had to do research for our project and now I can’t do it. I swore that I would never sing especially in our school. But I love singing! And yup I never did have a chance to sing a solo. I really was sad during our graduation. The only thing that I wanted to do was to sing my soul out to everyone. Why did the other people who were worse singers than I was given the chance? Why was my voice stolen from me? All I wanted to do was sing. And in that graduation, now even, I realized that I had graduated with out fulfilling one of my goals, one of my dreams, to sing. I did perform on stage for our school play, Hatol ng Guhit na Bilog (The Caucasian Chalk Circle) but singing was different and I only had a small role (but they said there were no small roles, only small actors… like ouch!). My voice was stolen from me. Every now and then I still imagine my self singing on our stage. This will haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess I was never born to sing.

Identity Crisis

I guess we do all have a picture in mind when we hear the word identity crisis. I guess all teens are faced with this question, well in my opinion though. Who are we and what are we? Why are we here? Where are we? What will we be in the future? Is there a future? What will happen next? Will everything be all right?
All these questions keep on barraging me and are making me insane. It then brings me to the question “What Do I Want”? Oh no! Is this a bad case of Down syndrome? Ok not really down but depression or post-depression even. Why am I depressed in the first place? Is it because I am faced with so many fears of the unknown? Can’t take this anymore, I give up!

Bench Model

You know what? I am a big fan of the Online Community we call Friendster! Yes I am and I love meeting new people and it really feels good if someone invites you to be his/her friend. It really is easy to meet these real people “virtually”. But I’m not going to talk about that.
I have noticed that every good looking guy or guys who think they’re good looking always address to themselves as the “Bench Models”. But hey I have to agree they do look like models and are of model quality but why Bench? Is Bench really the “In-Thing” of our Fashion Era? Well I am also a Bench fan and I love the “Love Ko Bench” shirt but why Bench? Why not a Penshoppe model or a Guess model? Why not model other line of products?
Wait a minute… Why am I always asking these questions? Why do I make a big hysteria of these things? Beats me I don’t understand myself either. Well just shouting out my ideas.

What Do I Want? What Do We Want?

Right now I am very confused. Before I had a clear view of my wants and the goals I wanted to achieve. But I am suddenly struck by the reality that I am in a void. I don’t know what I want in life anymore. Everything seems to be a monotonous re-run of what I call my life.
Before I had all of these things that I wanted and thought I wanted. Only to find out in the end that I never really wanted these and it would never really make me happy in the end. What would make me happy? What do I want? What do we all want in life?
I thought that getting what I want was easy. There are things that what ever I do, I will never get. There are things that I have sacrificed a lot for but seem pointless and worthless in the end.
I don’t know what I really want and really need. But don’t be fooled that what I mean is of things that this material world will offer. What I speak of is one that means more. I speak of the spiritual aspect of life, things that relates to the soul and true happiness. I don’t know. It all seems so blurry and all I can make of is snapshots of odd figures and signs.
What lies for me ahead? What is my destiny and what is my fate if all are pre-written? All is a chain of questions.

Using Cellphones and Social Status Issues

One time I was riding a pubic transportation when my phone rang. I received a text message and I replied. Again my phone rang and this continued up to three messages. All of a sudden this girl beside me said “samok ba!” This is a expression used in the Philippines to show extreme irritation. But I was shocked and felt attacked, which I really was. That time I just kept quite and minded my own business and then went down at my stop. If I wasn’t in my good mood she would receive a good bashing.
I was thinking why would she be irritated? I was practicing phone etiquette, my ring volume was not to the maximum level, I did not raise my phone to show off and in fact I was hiding it from view. It just happens that she was at my side and she saw it. And it comes to me is this jealousy? Does my Nokia 6260 threaten her? Does my Ryan Cabrera Shame on Me true tone a way of saying she’s cheap? If these things give off these expressions then I’m sorry. But since when is it wrong to use a phone that you really like and the tone that you like? I never heard of a Presidential Decree or a Republic Act stating so.
Does this mean that if she had an old phone with basic lcd and monophonic ring tones then I should get that type of phone too? Where is democracy in that? If she’s poor I have to be poor? If she suffers I have to suffer too? This is just the manifestation of Filipino Crab Mentality. When one crab is about to escape, the other crabs tend to pull it down. She has a serious problem and she really needs professional help.
I did not do anything wrong and if living a life of style and luxury was wrong then they should arrest every businessmen, every professionals, every working citizens who work so hard just to provide for their families and acquire certain items as their trophies of their life’s work. I don’t have a job yet yes but this phone is not in any way meant to say I’m rich and you’re poor. This phone has been a dream for me and it is also a gift from my mom for finishing high school. And believe me I worked so hard just to strive to achieve excellence and this phone is a sign of that. I am not guilty of anything because this is a free country and I can use and buy (in the future) anything may it be luxurious or not and I won’t feel guilty that other people might not be doing well as me. It’s not my fault that they are like that and maybe neither theirs. No one chooses to be poor right? But if they can’t eat three times a day, should I not eat three times a day too? Sure I’m willing to share my blessings, but I can’t give them what I don’t have and I can’t give them the things that I’ve worked for for my family.
If you’re saying that I shouldn’t have used my phone in public then I ask you what is the use of a portable telephone when you can’t avail of its convenience. Do you mean I have to go to the bathroom just to use my phone? Do I have to be ashamed to have a great phone? I am not stepping on anyone’s rights so I am free to do things I want.