Thursday, June 1, 2006

Fate and Destiny

I hate the words fate and destiny because these are the words that caused my demise. My heart was deeply lacerated; my pride and my dignity stained, and all my hopes and dreams were flushed down the drain. At that moment I thought that it was destiny and fate that lead me to the person I thought I would love and who would love me back. The signs were all there but perhaps I misread all of them and assumed so many things. I don’t want to look back at what happened but I can never run from my past and I know that facing it and thinking over my mistakes would help me from making the same stupid mistake.

I was young, naïve, and so innocent. I was lonely and love sick. I wanted someone who would be there for me, someone who I could share my love to and hopefully be loved in return. I wanted to meet someone, someone special, and someone who would accept me for me. I knew that I should have to meet people to actually find this soul mate of mine. I chatted and actually joined in online groups to meet up with people. I sent some people messages saying that I would want to be friends and know them. I likewise received some messages but unfortunately this all came to a dead end. All hope was lost; I was going to quit when I received an instant message from one of the people I asked to be friends with.

I met with this person one night and I was really taken back because she was everything that I have dreamt of. I couldn’t believe that this was actually happening to me and by then I thought that this was really destined! Why? We were neighbors, we go to the same school, and we even take the same course. Everything was perfect. We were drinking that night and it was then that I completely lost it. This person’s voice was so beautiful that I was just drawn to her. Maybe the alcohol impaired my perceptions and caused me to hallucinate but I swear that this person typed something in her phone asking me if this person could have a place in my heart… I was ecstatic… I felt I was dreaming… and I said yes…

Oh what a foolish person I was. I was mad! I was driven mad caused by the deadly epidemic called love… I was willing to sacrifice everything for this person even my pride. I did everything I can to reach this person and to tell this person how I want to be in this person’s heart too but I was just ignored for some reason I don’t know. I became obsessed. I sent this person e-mails, text messages; I even wait outside this person’s house at night! This went on for 2 months when I finally decided not to make a fool of my self any longer. Where could I have gone wrong?! How could I be so stupid? But I did try to make it clear with this person where we are heading but I never get the right answers.

I was ashamed… I was ashamed of my self… how could I have been so stupid?! But I have to admit that it took as long as a month for me to stop thinking about this person. As I look back, I finally realized that it wasn’t really love. What I loved was not the person because the person was a complete stranger to me. What I loved was the idea of us being together. I do not blame this person for just leaving without any goodbye or explanation. Maybe it was my fault because I was way aggressive and that I assumed so many things because I believe that this person is really the one for me…

But now, I’m faced with a similar situation… but this time I know that my Heaven likes me and I like my heaven too… it just feels right to love my beloved Heaven. But I have to take a chance so that I could find love. I may sound stupid but I feel that if I always hide myself then I wouldn’t be happy in the end. I have to make a move, even if love knocks on the door, you must also allow that love first to enter your heart.

I still don’t believe in fate and destiny because we are the masters of our own destiny. I make mistakes but without these mistakes I will not learn and become the stronger person that I am today.

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