Thursday, August 11, 2005
It's really is so depressing... What is happening to the xu nerds? Is there really an issue here that the XU nerds are just simply slipping away? Please, huwag naman. I can't bear to see you guys like this. Take me instead... What can I do to change all of this from happening? Buhuhuh... really so depressing...
Saturday, August 6, 2005
Today is a Friday night, well yesterday was. I’m alone in my room right now. I just want to thank you NerdZ for making me cry! Yes you did! But it’s not a bad thing too. Only the people I love and matters to me are the ones that can make me cry. They can either make me cry because they’ve hurt me or they made me extremely happy. Now, I thank all of you for making me cry because you all made me happy. Why do am I saying all this balderdash all of the sudden? Well, I just happened to read your palancas to me to our retreat at the Jesuit Retreat House in Malaybalay last February 18, 2005.
nerd no. 6
You know it doesn’t mean that I don’t love all of you just because I’m quite or just because I don’t talk to you often. Just because you people don’t hear me doesn’t mean I don’t think of you and long to see all of you. Believe it or not I do care for you all. You have become a part of me; you’re not just my past. Where ever I may go and whatever I do, the memories of you guys still haunt me. I don’t know if I’m obsessed with you people but I just simply miss you guys. I miss each and every one of the 48 NerdZ if I’m not mistaken. Well that’s 49 if you include Father Xrysz. How I ache to once again sit at my chair in the Fernando classroom and listen to Father Xrysz’s discussion on Morality once more.
I know that I’ve said this so many times that it already sounds so dull but I will never be tired to say it over and over again…. I just miss all of you and hope that you wouldn’t forget me. I know I won’t for each and every one of you has a special place in my heart. I will always be a Nerd in mind, heart, and action. To the people studying in far flung places I miss you and take care. To the NerdZ in XU hope we still greet each other, sorry if there are times I don’t see you in the hallway or something. We may have sad and even bad times together but there were also the good times.
Thank you for everything guys. Why am I feeling like this? I feel that I have a hang-over of my high school life. How ironic, I so wished to end my suffering in high school so much that I forgot that I also had extremely happy times.
To my lunch buddies how are you? I miss all of you… Especially Demi who I don’t hear from lately, hope you’re okay. Sorry if hotheaded ako sometimes but I really love your company. Michael, hi I’m so glad I still see you. Daryl sad and Miranda and Nerissa, you guys are so special to me.
Gosh I so want to make palancas again! Sige, I’ll e-mail nalang you guys. Or better yet Friendster. Basta I’ll spend my midterm break in getting in touch with you guys. Take care you all! This is Edgar na nagpaparamdam….
Buhuhu! No more internet for me! I mean my dream of unlimited internet with a speed of 128 kb/s has gone down the drain! Why do I live so far away from civilization in the first place?! It's so ironic! I already have the right equipment for the Smart WiFi and I've already paid for the installation fee and for the one month subscription. The only thing is our damn location isn't reachable by the WiFi signal! Argg! Why! Why do I \have to stick with Sotelco's 28.8 kb/s at the most internet speed? Well, it is better than nothing but if you compared Sotelco's Php 100 for 10 hours of very slow internet speed to Smart WiFi's unlimited internet for Php 800/month of very fast internet speed it's so degrading!!! I mean depressing! Or both! We should really consider moving to the city! What is it here in bukidnon anyway? The nosy neighbors? The uncivilized, WiFi unreachable, hard to go to place? There must be a reason. Just don't know why... where is justice! Wahaha!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
I’m depressed right now. I’ve always been depressed. I feel that my life is a constant rerun. I really am bored, sick, and tired of my routines that are so monotonous. Sometimes, I just want to sit at one corner and don’t care anymore. Who cares about school or friends and family? Is this really what lies ahead for me? I feel so empty and I know and I feel that there is something out there that I need to be truly happy. I don’t want to do anything right now. I don’t want to think and I don’t want to move. I want to be like a rock so that I could not feel anything anymore. They say that this feeling is normal for teens because of all the hormones and changes that are occurring within me. It is also true that I have to find who I am. Everything is so confusing. I don’t understand myself right now. Sometimes I feel that I am already complete and that I don’t need anyone. I feel that I have everything planned out and that everything will be alright. But everything is not that easy. I want to jump of a cliff right now. I want to hide my self somewhere because I am not in the mood to be with anyone right now. My head is starting to hurt. I feel that I’m crazy, a madman. I can really relate to the anime, “Vision of Escaflawne.” I’m just like Hitomi. I just want to sleep and never wake up. When I am asleep I forget everything. I forget all the problems and pains that I have to go through every single day. I seem to vanish when I’m asleep and no one ever notices. But the question is do they even notice me when I’m awake? I feel that I wander and that I have no where to go. This must be the reason why I love taking walks in the evening. I’m not depressed when I’m alone because when I’m alone I don’t feel left out when I’m in a group. In fact, I prefer being alone because I can think more and reflect on things like I’m doing right now. But what am I longing? What do I need to make me whole? What is it that I look for? I don’t really understand.
I really did not want to go to Manresa today for the community building and planning of the Loyola Group (FFP representatives). It’s a Monday and it’s not just any ordinary Monday, it’s a day that I can have a break from school. I really have no plans to do anything related to school today but I had to because I was chosen by my class to represent them. I could have easily declined but I felt that it was my responsibility and duty as a class officer to represent them. The assembly place was at 7:30 am at XU in front of Goldcrest so I had to wake up early because I went home to Bukidnon last Sunday. I was almost late and I was lucky to have caught up with the group when they were about to take a jeep to Manresa. But I did not regret coming a single bit because I really had fun. I think I even had an overdose of laughter when we were discussing our plans and projects because my group mates were really funny and some of them were clowns. We had fits of laughter when a group mate played with her words adding –ing to her words like outreaching, SM-ing, immersioning, and the likes. I met new and old friends and I learned a lot of things. I was reminded that IQ is not all that matters because EQ also plays a vital part. They were just crazy and their proposed programs were absurd yet interesting like moving into the Loyola House because we were the Loyola Group or just build ourselves our own Loyola House. What’s more fun during the whole activity was the eating part. The food was really good and I wanted to have second servings. Before going home, we went to SM and sang songs at Quantum and ate again. I could say that the activity was a great success and I can look forward to a more fun, more energetic, and more tiring activities and programs.