Thursday, April 20, 2006

To Be or Not To Be… Depressed…

I am once again in my state of depression. I sometimes wonder if I have a severe depression disorder that I should have consulted immediately. But I have to admit, I do love being depressed. Let’s just say that being depressed brings out the best in me. Make the best out of everything bad right? Why sulk and be unproductive while being depressed? Instead, I pull my self together and channel all my emotions and produce something creative, interesting, and substantial. This essay, if you can call this an essay, is an example of the product of my depressed state. I am sometimes amazed by the things I can do when I’m depressed as compared to when I’m in my sane yet indolent, a fancy word for lazy, self. When I’m depressed I can write short stories, essays, I can imagine things, etc.
So why am I depressed? Here’s one reason, I keep on remembering this person. God! How can I forget someone that I have grown to obsessed with?! Oh yes! It’s about that person again that I try so hard to forget. But maybe I shouldn’t forget this person… Maybe I should just make this a lesson for me… a sort of motivation. Anyway, even if I overly obsess about this person I still am sane, I think. I wonder why I always think of this person, setting up scenarios where I meet this person suddenly and I then see myself being strong and slightly arrogant, trying so hard to imply that I’m ok and create that I-don’t-need-you aura. In whole honesty, I don’t really need this person or want to be with this person. The only problem is I can’t get rid of this person in my head. Why am I stupid enough not to forget this person? I’m smart right? I’m a person of strength and dignity! But why do I stoop so low fir this person who doesn’t care or even notice my existence! Hey I take that back! I don’t merely exist! I live baby!!! Well… so I believe. But do I really live? Or do I merely exist?
Grr! See what I mean? I’m saying stupid things again to myself… But hey, it’s not as if someone that really matter would read this right? No offense to the one reading this right now.
Would you look at that! I’m getting through my depression already. Sometimes I just wish that I can just turn my depression on and off when I wanted so that I could be able to write a lot of things… On second thought, never mind! You see, I say the most stupid things when I have these strong emotions, and I end up regretting that I opened my big mouth. But wait! Hey! I should stop saying sorry! What have I done wrong anyway? Like the people around me also hurt me but I don’t hear them apologizing to me! And I have to be the one remorseful for something where they should be the one apologizing and not me. Sometimes I just wish that I can just rip out the hearts of the people I hate to know if they really have hearts, but my conscience is very strong, it’s such a pity.
Once again, Mr. Depressed is signing off… Please be with me for more depressed updates… Gosh I’m so pathetic! And that is one thing I don’t want to be. Like I don’t need anyone ok! I just want to be strong and do things by myself and succeed in life by my self. Maybe I should just get my self a canine companion in the future so that I won’t be lonely. At least a dog will really be there for me every time I go home and will listen to me and would show me affection. Comparing a human partner and a canine partner, I choose the dog more! At least the dog doesn’t hurt you emotionally. Ok I’m already sulking and putting on that I’m-not-happy-because-of-you attitude.

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