Intimacy vs Isolation

To those who are aware of Erik Erikson's 8 Stages of Psychosocial Development, I am at the 6th stage right now, which is, as you have read above, Intimacy vs Isolation.

Wow I didn't really expect this but I'm actually feeling lonely and I want to find my other half (I'm being an emo kid, I hate it).

A love-interest that I had before once asked me, "Why are you afraid to say yes to love?".   If I didn't totally focus on my studies when I was back in the Philippines I would have had experienced the joys of being young and in love. Now I'm shriveling up by the second feeling so unaccomplished in the field of intimate relationships.

Well I did have relationships in the past and I just took them for granted. In high school, I was blessed that the girl I liked had the same feelings for me. It was a perfect scene when we confessed our feelings for each other, it was raining and we were cooped up in this shed. The relationship would have blossomed except that during high school I was an obnoxious douche bag. I totally claim responsibility for the relationship not working out. I was selfish and I don't know what happened, but it just ended and I didn't fight for her.

During university, I was curious and I wanted to experiment to find out what this love is. Sadly, I had to put it to an end because of school and unwritten social norms... and now I yearn for what I've had. Sure the most recent relationship I had wasn't perfect but I had something... I had someone who loved me but I guess I didn't reciprocate the feelings because I guess there was none to begin with. I only entered into the relationship as a social experiment, I wanted to find out why everyone in college is so obsessed about relationships. I know that what I did was wrong and that I'm suffering the bad karma right now of being single and miserable (sort of, being single does have it's pros).

As I look back, a lot of people actually offered their hearts to me but I guess I figured I was too important and too busy to entertain love in my life. I'm too smart for my own good, calculating the pros and cons if I am going to be in a relationship with someone...

I have learned to take the leap and just go for it. I am not afraid to say yes to love right now. I swear, I will accept the next person who will declare love for me. With out hesitations I will say yes because I really feel that time is running out for me.

I know that I may sound pathetic right now and that I would probably hate myself for writing this years from now but these are my honest feelings right now. Another cold December approaches and I still don't have anyone to call my own, how sad.

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