Reminiscing

The cool breeze brings nothing but the memories of my past. I remember the wind upon my face when I rode my bike around the neighborhood at night, when I climbed the top of Mount Sipaka, when I walked early in the morning searching for a taxi to get to the hospital on time, when I climbed on top of our roof to enjoy the beauty of the moon and stars, and so on.

I feel like I am still living in the past. The present is killing me slowly and the future scares me. Right now I only have my past to validate my worth. I never realized how lucky I was to have lived such a beautiful life in the Philippines surrounded by people I love and I was doing the thing I loved... being a student nurse.

I miss my college life... I miss my Missy... I miss my friends... I miss my old self...

I had so much to be proud of, I had so much hope, and I had so many goals and dreams...

I still don't have any reason to be happy in Canada. Sure I have friends and family here but there is something that is still missing and this great void is making me so unhappy.

I really must have a serious case of depression.

Am I Alive?

This is the question that I had brought upon myself while I mindlessly drifted into a state of self-reflection. Seriously. What is life? How can you truly say that you really are living?

Is living mainly being able to think, move, speak, eat, or simply having the ability to maintain proper body functions? Right now I feel that I am dead. Yes, people see me and I am able to interact with other people but I still feel like I am dead.

I really feel burdened with so many thoughts and broken dreams. Although my family is doing ok and you can say that they are able to move on with their lives and there is a significant improvement in our lifestyle since we move here to Canada from the Philippines but I feel so left out.

I can't help but ask myself what the hell was I doing all the years that I was in the Philippines? I have sacrificed so many things when I was in the Philippines. I sacrificed my happiness that's for sure. While I was studying, I turned down friends on their proposals to go to outings and have fun, I turned down having romantic relationships because I felt that studying was more important, and I turned down so many things that I didn't realized that I was only turning myself down to have fun and be happy for once in my life.

I feel such a failure. For starters, I didn't expect to be turned down by University of Alberta and now I'm stuck for almost one year that I have been here in Canada working at Tim Hortons being humiliated and looked down upon. I know that some people may think that this is just my pride talking but I really feel like a complete failure.

If MacEwan College doesn't accept me into their nursing program this September I don't know what I will do. Right now I have been researching other related opportunities because I really don't want to work at a dead-end job. I am just 20 years old but I feel that I have been left out by my batch mates who now have great jobs and are now living their dreams.

I don't want to be a drama queen but this is how depressed I am right now. I just hope that things turn out better the following days.

Shake and Bake!

You just have to love Canada! They always have something fun and unique just like the new Dr. Oetker Shaker!

I love baking and with the shaker mixes by Dr. Oetker, I can bake muffins, cupcakes, and even pancakes in a jiffy! It's so easy to make that even a little kid (with adult supervision of course) can make one. Just add milk or water, shake, shake, shake, pour into a baking mold and viola! Just put that yummy treat in the oven and just wait for it to cook and enjoy!

You don't have to be a pastry chef to be able to whip up amazing cupcakes or muffins for birthday parties and gatherings. It tastes so good that people will love it and it's so hard to resist the temptation to take all the glory and say you made it from scratch.

But for me I bake it for my midnight treat and I feel no guilt at all because the Shaker is 0 trans fat, a source of fibre, and Prebiotics! Give me any other muffin that is as healthy as that?

Boy, this post sure is making me hungry. So if you excuse me, I have some shaking to do in the kitchen!

Silence Is Sharper than Words

Do you know what pisses your enemies the worst? The fact that you can still smile after they tried so hard to piss you off! And this is exactly what I did a while ago!

I have posted an entry before about my haters and as I predicted they (like 8-9 old Filipino geezers) were right on schedule. I made sure I didn't do anything to offend them but I guess that they don't want me to speak in English to my customers who happens to be white... weird I know.

They feel that I try too hard to impress them with my English but to let them know that is how I speak English whether they are there or not. Does it really bother them that I speak English well? Seriously, just because I'm Filipino it doesn't mean that I'm not allowed to develop an accent can I?

But I'm really happy with myself because I didn't react to whatever bullshit they were talking about me for the past 4 to 6 hours that they were staying at my place of work. Seriously, they waste too much time trying to piss me off so in return they were the one that got pissed because I didn't react to all their hard work.

So I learned that sometimes silence can cut through anyone's bullshit better than words. Because if you react to their taunts, it's just like adding fuel to their confidence in their ability to piss you off so it will never end. But if you just keep quiet, they feel neglected and hurt because they feel like talking to a wall... which by the way is a very stupid thing to do if you ask me.

So on with the silence strategy. There's no use in wasting time and energy to defend yourself when your obviously fighting against stupid childish obnoxious nobodies.